I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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