3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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