yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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