i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
