There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize