My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
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