This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
we're so committed to being not committed
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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