remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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