My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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