what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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