I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
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