Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
