i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
