She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
