fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
