Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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