I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now