Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.