Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
