youre lurking in front of me
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
