There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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