can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
