the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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