Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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