Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
