You just made me feel so damn special
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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