I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
