my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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