I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
