The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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