Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
