i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize