I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
