I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
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He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
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Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?