If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
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Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
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Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..