Your face is a jimmy john
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.