and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
These Are 23 Of The Most Uncomfortable Questions You Can Ask
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
The 17 Most Horrible Things Said To Online Daters
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels