i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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