So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
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