and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
