he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I'm always down for nudity.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
