There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
