i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
