i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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