My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Randomize