So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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