tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
It's official drugs can't kill me
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
