Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Are my feet made of real feet?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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