why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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