meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
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