I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
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