I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
