I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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