Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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